White Trash Birthday Bash Essentials

 1. Pork rinds

2. Watermelons

3. Mad Dog 20/20 - preferrably grape

4. Parliament cigarettes

5. Wife beaters - black or red bra peeking out

6. Jorts (jean shorts, cut off and bedazzled of course)

7. Freedom ROCK

8. Jello molds

9. Jailhouse tats

10. Washers and/or dryers in the yard acting as coolers

11. Coors Light

12. Lee press-on nails

13. Dale Earnhardt fan club cards

14. Arm wrestling brackets, and kick ass prizes

15. Blue eyeshadow

16. People making out

17. Camo anything

18. Silver City Pink lipstick

19. Hot dogs

20. Fights, fights, and more fights

21. A snake

22. Smokin' and drinkin' during the 5th or 4th pregnancy or whatever

23. Trash can punch

24. Mullets - Kentucky Waterfalls - Camaro Hair - Business in the front, Party in the back

25. Driving gloves though going nowhere

26. Mesh clothing

27. Lack of clothing

28. Lack of teeth

29. Lack of footwear

30. Cheese in a can

Happy Birthday Becky I Love You!

Sunday Farting - Type S

Sunday is the day for rest and worship. When I sit down in the sanctuary on Sunday morning,
I am always reminded of this cute little Confucius saying, "A man who farts in church, sits in his own pew."

So in honor of that, I'm going to use Sundays to educate the blogosphere about one of my favorite topics, flatulence. Sorry God.

"Farting A-Z" will now commence. Today I discuss Type "S" farts.

S1) The Salman Rushdie Fart: Incredibly well crafted, literate, interesting, recognized as a work of art in some parts of the world but horribly dangerous in others. Like sports and politics, farting and religion shouldn't be allowed to mix, but living in a global village, it is as well to know when you are about to drop a Salman Rushdie fart and when you are not. Despite the obvious qualities, it is a fart not to be undertaken lightly. Rare.

S2) The Silly Old Fart: In the same family as silly old buggers, fools, twits, bastards, etc. They seem to pervade the upper echelons of the church and the public service for some reason, which may have something to do with longer lunch breaks and the availability of expense accounts. But every board and committee has one, and city councils have been known to two or even more. The silly old fart is wayward as well as flatulent and often becomes lost on the way home. Common, and growing ever more obvious.

Source: "The History of Farting" by Dr. Benjamin Bart

Back Like the Ghosts in Poltergeist

Been a long time since I blogged. Lots been going down in H-town. For one, I've been looking and successfully found myself a jobby-job [tiny hands clapping, like from the Modest Mouse song, maybe they're midgets I don't know]. I won't reveal my employer or my position to protect the innocent and my secret identity. But do know that Obama got a post-it note on his desk that said "Mom went back to work, Q4".

Went to the U2 concert. Dude, four Irish buggers just robbed me! The stage was awesome but man they are getting old! Bono used to be all frenetic and hyper and now he just leans a lot on the microphone and talks through the songs. Edge was awesome as usual. And of course we got our schoolin' in politics, but I guess U2 has grown tired of earthly dilemmas because it was mostly about space. Um yeah...the universe is their new frontier for social commentary. OK. Right on. Oh, and Borneo. I totally called the encore. Husband was doubtful of my prediction but how can you have a U2 concert sans "With or Without You"? C'mon now? And Muse was awesome. Me and my 35-year-old ass rocked out to "Starlight" with the comic book store nerd next to me with wild abandon.

Also been helping my brother through a hairy divorce. That was fun. People, work out your shit if you can. If you can't, get ONE attorney and agree on your shit. If you can't do that, mediate your shit. Do whatever you can to stay out of family court. Sheesh...he's ok now but by the Power of Grayskull that shot my nerves to Hell, and it wasn't even about me. The good ole ex-sister-in-law even subpoena-ed me to testify AGAINST my brother. Can you believe THAT? I couldn't. The funny part of the whole thing was that I was sworn in on a post-it note (similar to Obama's). This one wasn't even a real one though. It was a mini. And purple. Go American justice system! I believe in YOU!

Another fun challenge has been that Husband was called away to work...in THAILAND for almost 3 weeks. Me and the monkeys on our own - not good...may sound like nothing to some of you with tribes but they are f'n crazy-ass monkeys. They may look cute but they are like the poo-throwin' kind of monkeys. And I just started my new job and the commute is 1 hour each way so they are still adjusting to the pre-school/after school/day care thing. We planned really well though. Got babysitting lined up for each night (except three in which I believe I did find myself coated in one form of excrement or another) which helped as the evenings are a two man job - or a one man job if you are as good as our babysitter is. Anyway he's back now. And all is right.

Made it through Halloween. Big Girl was Belle the Princess...Son was Batman and was ecstatic when he found out Batman never smiles...Baby Girl was Minnie Mouse.Grammy babysat while I went to a party as a naughty schoolgirl. Son saw me dressed up and said, "Mom, you look like a GIRL?" Guess even a 4-year-old can recognize a slutty costume. He does possess the Y chromosome...

But the worst thing I've been dealing with is the fact that I've had to transition my dog of 13 years into doggie diapers. Yes, Riley is now wearing PUPends...little tail hole and everything. The beastie is pissing all over the upstairs. We thought it was incontinence but my friend caught her squatting and just taking a casual leak at the top of the staircase on purpose. WTF DOG? She used to tell us when she needed to go out and now the house is her bathroom. UG. What do we do about that? My house smells so bad its driving me mad. She's a border collie and shouldn't last too much longer but neither will we if she keeps doing this. Can't have our kids rolling around on piss-carpet. My sister-in-law, the good one, came this weekend and steam cleaned it. But that only lasts for about 2 days. We need ENZYMES MAN. Suggestions from the blogosphere? Can't give her away. Can't shoot her.

Anyway, I'm back. Missed ya.

Winos

Every month my girlfriends and I do a "Girls' Night In" and this month's theme was "World of Wine". Some quotes from the tasting...that have nothing at all to do with sex...no, nothing...

*I can't get it out.
*Now I can't get it back in.
*It's stuck.
*What? I can keep going.
*I have to to use my breast(bone).
*It's great with chocolate.
*I can't get past the smell.
*It's spicey in my mouth.
*This one's dirty...and slippery.
*It's too big.
*Tastes like a campfire.
*What country are we in?
*You just want a Eurorail pass.
*It smells better than it tastes.
*This one's gonna be rough.
*This is an S&M wine, you need a safe word.
*Tastes like big wood.
*I'm having a hard time getting into this one.
*I got penis's for Halloween but they were gross.
*Of course everything tastes better after Dick.
*What's in love dip? Crack.
*This one I can actually swallow.
*Aren't you supposed to swish it in your mouth? I don't know, I may be a prude.
*Premature cheering People.
*There's a guy who plays the pan flute...or skin flute...
*Oh no, she left her Dicks!

My Monkeys In Their Bolivian-Peruvian Gear

Big Girl dancing in her Bolivian llama hat and backpack.

Son avoiding the camera in his Peruvian hat and Bolivian backpack.

Big smiles from Baby Girl in her Bolivian llama hat and "packpack".

Peru Day 15

Travel day...we survived a new form of Bananair. Barely. Flew from Cusco, Peru to Lima, Peru and spent the day sight-seeing. Well, the group did. I spent the day on the bus hungover from all the drugs.

We went to lunch at a super fancy seafood restaurant that would fit in perfectly in Houston's midtown. Here's a picture of our main dish, and yes I ate the octopus because I am that bad-ass (but not the whole octopus because I'm not as bad-ass as Nathan or Bill):

We saw some archaeological sites circa 1000 years pre-Inca from the bus and mostly all I got out of Tour Guide Guy was that there were no human sacrifices. Lima people are so sweet. We also killed some time before heading to the airport at an outdoor mall by the Pacific Ocean...it was gringo paradise. A couple of us played 61 soles' worth of skee-ball (whoohoo) and gave all our tickets to a little Peruvian kid which made all our day.

We ate McDonald's in the Lima airport, a stark contrast to our lunch (should I have taken a picture of my Cajita de Feliz?). We finally made our flight to Miami, which was miserable. We got our bags, made it through Customs, Immigration, and connected to Houston. It was a 29 hour day. We arrived in Houston to a group from LaPorte with signs for the Mission Team which almost made me cry. I found Husband in Baggage claim and said goodbye then it was off straight to the doctor for me.

Things I Won't Miss:
*Brushing my teeth with bottled water out of a cup.
*Dogs barking at me from rooftops.
*Dollar bill checks. They only take $5, $10, $20 American bills and they have to be PRISTINE; no tears, no wrinkles, certain serial numbers aren't accepted. It's ridiculous. If they're not perfect, they hand the money back to you with blank stare and wait for more like you're an ATM.
*Barbed wire, broken glass, iron impaling spike "fences".
*No pedestrian right-of-way. No right-of-way period.
*Having to throw toilet paper away in the trash can. No el flusho el papel.
*Electric shock showers.
*China spelled with an F.
*Military time.
*The Metric system.

Things I Can't Wait For:
*Seeing my family and friends.
*Dr. Pepper.
*Washing my Mizunos.
*Flushing toilet paper.
*Water fountains.
*Wearing clothes out of my closet.
*Driving myself around.
*tv
*Wearing shorts.
*The reunion!

Quotes of the Day:
"If I'm not supposed to drink the water, something's telling me I'm not supposed to eat the raw fish" -Chris
"Hmm...wait in traffic...wait in the airport." -Marisa
"We have four hours!" -Everyone
"It's the Shields Travel Curse." -Everyone

Peru Day 14

Es un milagro!

Dr. Neek's drugas worked! I feel like a new girl and today is Machu Picchu day. Still coughing but fever broke, chills and muscle aches gone, and no more puking.

So, MP...this place is seriously inaccessible. From Cusco we took an hour and a half bus ride to Ollanta, then got on a train for another hour and a half to Machu Picchu Pueblo, then got on another bus for a harrowing 30 minute ride up the mountain to see this one of seven wonders of the world. Of course there's a hotel right there, but it costs like $600 a night and we're missionaries, not Bill Gates, nor Matt Lauer...with private helicopters and flippie-floppies.

I have no words for Machu Picchu so I'll just let the pictures do the talking:
For those concerned I did MP really slow and didn't climb the whole thing. And I used my new inhaler pretty regularly.

On the train ride back there was a 'performance' and by show I mean some nutty dancing by a clown and a fashion show. It was hilarious.

Quotes of the Day:
"If she says 'OK' one more time I'm pushing her off the edge." -Michelle
"You really have to trust in the infallibility of the bus drivers or you'll just have a heart attack." -Nathan
"I'll Machu YOUR Picchu." -Laura
"Congratulations! You just contributed to the destruction of one of the seven wonders of the world!" -Laura
"What? Do you see the Picchu Police?" -Amy
"I either wear alpaca or nothing at all." -Jim
"There's a crazy clown in the bathroom!" -Amy
"I'll dust YOUR mom's face." -Michelle
"He made me pet it. It wasn't soft." -Michelle
"You'd think one would get tired of the Beatles on pan flute...but you don't" -Nathan

Peru Day 13

Today we toured a llama/alpaca/vicugna farm. That was a trip! We got to feed them and pet them and call them George. We had lots of fun with them, but they're aggressive little suckers! Found out a vicugna scarf can cost up to $1,000 - that's some serious dinero!
That's about all I remember because I started to get really sick. The rest of the the morning tours I pretty much stayed on the bus. By lunch time my cough was worse, my stomach was upset, and I had a headache so I went back to the hotel. By dinner I had 102 degree fever, chills, muscle aches, and was vomiting. Nora called in Dr. Neek and he took really good care of me. Hooked me up with like six prescriptions. My roomie had to vacate though, so I was quarantined for the night. Lonely in Cusco...